Ah, Final Fantasy XIV—where to even begin? Ever wonder why Lalafells run from Culinarians? What about where Ramuh’s beard grows from? We’ve got you covered. Every MMO has its own unique set of quirks, each stemming from the community’s various experiences in their game of choice. FFXIV is no different, with a gratuitous amount of highlighted features that are bound to catch you off guard. Despite having played a myriad of MMOs in the past, most of the craziness showcased by Eorzeans still brought me in a state of disbelief. Why are the big races wearing mog caps and subligars? Why did people laugh at the Dragoon who died? It makes me laugh whenever a new face shows up and is completely taken aback by said oddities. It really brings me back to the time I myself was shaken by the Eorzean norm. Of course, these stereotypes have been ingrained into my very being over time, now having donned the figurative banner of this land after having lived in it for more than a couple of years.
Before we begin, I’d like to state that this article is one hundred percent legit, and there is no reason for anyone to doubt our claims as most of the items on this list are provided by Eorzean specialists. Twas as if Louisoix Leveilleur himself hath given us this information. Alright, fine! This article is mainly for fun, and it’s a lot better than channeling an angry mob to try and rip out my throat. Please don’t rip out my throat, I’m heavily attached to it.
Well, now that I’ve cleared my conscience, let’s begin!
Glamour is True Endgame
“What are you doing?”
“Farming Skalla for the blasted robe… it’s been 50 runs!”
If there’s anything more frustrating than the abusive work of the devil that is Fishing back in Heavensward (or Ultimate Coil of Bahamut), it’s the unending dilemma of what to wear on the field and the grind that comes with it. Everyone wants to look their best, whether while crafting, fighting, or just sitting around near the FC house. It’s precisely that lust for style that the higher-ups in Square Enix exploit to no end. This means that players will be investing a chunk of their time grinding new and old content to avail its exclusive glamour sets. Despite having very outdated stats, Anima weapon farmers are still at large, keeping the memory of the old expansion alive. A lot of work you say? Indeed it is, but it’s one grind you’ll be subjected to once your need for glamour surfaces (and believe me, it will). Square Enix has us by the balls on this one. If you need more proof, just look at your Mogstation history.
‘Popotos’ are Ingredients
Everyone has a purpose in Eorzea. As Warriors of Light, it is our duty to save this realm, charging into battle with our resolve steeled by the power of the Crystal. Life as a savior of the land can be pretty tough, and what better way to soothe those aching muscles than having a nice soup made from the finest Lalafell around? Lalafells are a special Eorzean race. They jump really high, run really fast, and turn into fancy planes when trained in the art of Ninjutsu. You enjoy having them on your lap, petting them when they’re sad, but let’s not forget that this special race has but one purpose in life—and that is to get cooked… in high temperatures no less. I’ve seen many new Lalafells running out and about, fearing for their lives, unaware of the lengthy levels of abuse they signed up for after donning the Lalafellin hide in the character creation screen. No need to worry my fellow Eorzeans! They breed like rabbits, so famine won’t be a problem anytime soon.
Apologies, my little delicacies! The Twelve wisheth to have thee partake in thine role as vegetables.
Your First Titan Landslide
“Hah! I totally saw that comi—WHAM!—This is BS!”
Nothing says “Welcome to Final Fantasy XIV” better than getting hit by your first Titan landslide after attempting to land one final hit as it finishes casting. Unlike most MMOs, FFXIV boss skills are tied to the cast bar instead of the actual animation. This takes most new players by surprise, especially after eating something they saw themselves dodge. It’s frustrating at first, but it does increase a player’s level of awareness when dealing with Primals or the more difficult encounters. It still warrants a lot of laughs when someone does get hit though, especially when everyone’s all serious. This problem persists across content and often results in new players second-guessing or stuttering in fear of when the boss snapshots their location. Always be sure to use the focus target function and watch out for that cast bar.
Speaking of cast bars—
Muh Ley Lines!
Black Mages are strong and independent and we won’t adjust for anyone. We do oodles of damage while being far from your cute little buffs and healing (Oh God, please don’t believe me). Seven hells, we have our own buff in the form of our Ley lines! For those who are unaware, Black Mages can cast down a magic circle that allows them to cast faster whilst standing within its confines. Awesome, right? I love my Ley lines, so much in fact that I will never leave it until it expires—is what I would say if every boss in the game didn’t plant their death puddles on it every damn time. Nothing in this game hurts more than casting away at your foes while looking at the fire pool you’ve inevitably planted your Ley lines on. The best comparison I can give for Boss AOEs is like that of a flying cockroach. You know their trajectory is random, but it’s 100% going to land on you and your Ley lines.
Crafting 101: The Laws of RNGsus
Crafting isn’t for everyone, but we can’t deny the fact that FFXIV’s crafting is revolutionary for MMO gaming, even by today’s standards. It’s like an entire game of its own, acting like a mini puzzle that’s methodically solved by pressing the right sequence of buttons—or by simply browsing around for the latest crafting macro (*glare). Ah, just look at that beautiful pentamelded set. The Twelve knows how much your wallet has suffered due to your rotten melding luck, heck, you may have already spent all your earnings from the previous tier. Hush! It’s fine, because you’re now geared enough to craft the harder recipes—after you make food for yourself, that is. Oh my! Ninety-six percent quality and only one more move left? I guess you’ll just have to finish synthesizing it. I mean, there’s no way the RNG Gods are going to screw you over like the last few times it gave you normal quality items for a quality rating that’s only a few digits less than a hundred, right?
Dragoons are awesome, and I can understand why so many players gravitate towards the class. They hit hard, soar through the air, and backflips great distances to slay their prey. But if you’re an aspiring DRG thinking that your role is to dive down from the sky with the grace of a swan, then you are terribly mistaken. Dragoons are expert at tanking—the floor, to be precise. Indeed, the DRGs in-game are in no way similar to how they were portrayed in the Heavensward opening cinematic—well, maybe except the ones that jumped and got eaten. Worry not about your glorious uptime, for you will eventually find a way to kill yourself mid-fight, whether it’s through kissing-the-line AOE or dead-ending yourself inside a death puddle. Fret not, however, as Dragoons are also built with an invisible luck stat that allows you to win loot rolls even after contributing close to nothing throughout the encounter. I salute thee!
Fantasia Is A Drug Addiction
I’ve always thought of myself as someone who would stick with my original look until the very end but after a year or so, my Hyur was no longer cutting it. That’s when it hit me—the need for that luxurious feeling of your body contorting as it grows a new tail, scales, or have it shrink down to the size of an overgrown popoto. I’m, of course, talking about the wonders of Fantasia, a vile cursed drink that leaves its user in final-form limbo, with little to no appreciation for their current form. This evil concoction is highly addictive, and will not only force you to readjust your many glamours, but consume what’s left of your precious Crysta as well.
Fantasia addiction has become quite rampant in the land of Eorzea, hooking more and more citizens with each passing day. I can only imagine the surge in Fantasia purchases if ever Yoshi P unveils a new race for the next expansion (Viera, anyone?). At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if 60% of Square Enix’s fiscal year earnings come from Fantasia addiction.Related: Column, Eorzean Evening Post, Final Fantasy XIV, MMORPG, Square Enix