MMORPG.CO.UK: Gaming’s Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors!
by Danika Adams
As a girl who likes computer games, I am somewhat used to being surrounded and constantly bombarded with images of scantily clad women. It doesn’t suprise or upset me. This is, as much as should irk me, a man’s industry and so I understand that in order to pull in the punters, it helps to have buxom goddesses and impossibly-proportioned lovelies on hand to help lure players into whichever games they come from.
Whether it be Elves with ridiculously long legs, warrior maidens with waists the same circumference as their necks or characters in more linear games whose role seems to be to serve as a saucy distraction to the main (male) protagonist before dying in a ridiculous manner. I don’t get offended by this. Maybe I should. But I’m not a feminist, I’m a girl who likes games. In fact my main thought when seeing these uber babes in armour which barely covers their gravity defying boobies is ‘How exactly would that save them from a good stabbing?‘ A nasty chill would be enough to finish most of them off.
In any case, it’s not the women I’m here to discuss today, they get more than enough of the limelight. It’s the boys I’m interested in. That’s right, girls lust after pixilated beings as well. As such, I’m going to take you through my personal top 5 picks for gaming’s most eligible bachelors! And let me assure you, it was not easy to grapple them down to this (by no means) definitive list. It was perhaps more enjoyable than it should be, but it was certainly not easy. Hang on to your girl bits and let us know if you agree!
5 Sephiroth – Final Fantasy VII
Your mother warned you about boys like this. Actually, she probably didn’t, because if she had known this chap long enough to warn you about him, he probably would have run her through with his sword, preventing her from future warnings about anyone. Or anything. Ever. Sorry, I’m babbling, he has that effect on me. Sephiroth was pure evil. You couldn’t reason with him, you couldn’t work him out and you certainly couldn’t change him. But I’ll bet I wasn’t the only one secretly swooning over him. I even cheered when he killed Aeris – I’m sorry but she had it coming, she was awful. She made Final Fantasy VIII’s Selphie look like Rambo. I digress. Above all else, Sephiroth was an honest to goodness sociopath who loved his Mama. I’m sure all he needed was the love of a good woman. And maybe a haircut.
4 Cesar Vialpando – Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Ok he’s technically not a batchelor as he’s courting CJ’s sister Kendall but as he is not real, I feel I can overlook this minor technicality. It was actually a toss-up between Cesar and GTA: Vice City’s Tommy Vercetti but I fell on the side of Cesar. He’s got the Latin fire, he’s good with a motor, and in a game where you, as CJ, are constantly betrayed by your friends and associates, he is a dependable guy. He’s there for you. He’s certainly been there for me since I persuaded the manager at my local gaming shop to let me have a cardboard cut-out of him that they were going to sling away. Taking him home on the bus was an interesting day I can tell you. I felt proud though. For that and for teaching me lots of Spanish swear words, Cesar, I salute you. Ay Papi!
3 Irvine Kinneas – Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy VIII gave us lots of pretty things to look at. Zell was adorable, Squall was certainly beautiful, if a little emo but it was the cowboy who won my heart. The sequence in Galbadia Garden where you are first introduced to him was a moment I shall never forget. Lounging on the grass, a butterfly playfully rested on the tip of his index finger, and then the smirk he gives to camera was an absolute joy. His attacks weren’t very good but there was never a time when he wasn’t in my party. He was a consummate ladies man and a charmer to boot, and could crumble under pressure which calls to the hearts of all females everywhere who wanted to wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him and assure him that everything was going to be ok. Or maybe that was just me. In any case, Irvine was a good guy with a streak of naughtiness running through him. And he looked damn good in a pair of chaps.
2 Dante: Devil May Cry
I believe my initial thoughts upon seeing the beautifully rendered Dante were ‘bluitciug,jhhgcajygf,2jyf‘. Seriously, what is it about a prematurely grey haired man? With Dante you knew that although he was technically a good guy, he also had a dark streak. He’s part demon! Tall, hard-bodied, athletic, intense. Nobody else can look that good while kicking arse. Not a great talker but who needs to talk when they look that fantastic? Wields a gigantic weapon and his guns never run out of ammo. He’s certainly a winner in my book.
1 Arthas – aka The Lich King: World of Warcraft
My number one pick might be a little controversial but I know I am not alone in my hankering for the most vile, evil and cold-hearted villain perhaps to ever have come to gaming. I’m not particularly interested in Arthas the man, but Arthas the Lich King. I have no idea why but at this stage I’m not too concerned about reason. I am a 28 year old women discussing who she fancies most out of animated, fictional characters after all. But anyway, back to Arthas – you know how moody he gets. Maybe its the fact that he’s so relentlessly powerful and determined only to destroy and cause as much suffering as possible to those around him. The loading screen for Wrath of the Lich King is what initially caught my eye. He’s sat there on his throne, smirking at you. He’s saying ‘I see you there looking at me ladies. That’s ok. I don’t mind. You can look…I LIKE it.‘ He’s physically huge and, granted, he looks a little rotund when he’s in his full armour but as this list has shown, I’m a lover of all shapes and sizes when it comes to my gaming lovelies. He could be ogre sized and would still have that strangely attractive presence.
It’s in the instance ‘Halls of Reflection’ that my Lich King love turns me a little giddy. The end of the instance culmninates in a chase sequence. He’s coming for you…..slowly! (He’s got all that armour on after all) It’s an instance that can often turn into a mass wipe if you don’t have your eye on the ball but there is a little part of me that becomes overcome with giggly schoolgirl pleasure – ‘Ooh, chase me Lich King, you big naughty man! Chase me!‘ No other gaming character out there has had this effect on me and for this reason, Arthas is my number one eligible bachelor. Ok, maybe not really eligible, but still, I’d take him over neck-waisted, doe-eyed wenches any day.
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