One of my all-time favorite things to do in MMO’s is play dress up. In real life, my style criteria runs no deeper than “don’t be naked”. In MMO’s however, I become a high lord of fabulousness, spending hours making the character look right from hairstyle selections to outfit and weapon styles. Blade and Soul’s outfits don’t carry the amount of customization I would like, but the game does have some truly impressive outfits all the same.
We’re not looking at those, though. We’re looking at the best of the bad. The outfits that make you tilt your head like a curious dog. Here’s my selections for the top 5 terrible Blade & Soul outfits.
We start off wit this marvel of clubbing wear, featuring a weird little shrug jacket and a pair of shorts that barely meet the minimum requirement for butt covering. Seriously, those things are about as plausible as yellow American slices “cheese”. I can only assume they stay on this woman’s hips through arcane energies. Or at least double-sided tape.
I’m also more than a little bit confused by the asymmetrical stockings. Not only are those things making my OCD nerve twitch, they also look like they’re failing at their job and she’s too oblivious to notice. What really baffles me, though, is the thumbnail for the piece shows more cloth in the construction of the top than what’s displayed on this character’s body. I assume wearing tube tops is a racial trait specific to the Gon, who no doubt carry a long tradition of forcing themselves in to thin bands of fabric and calling it a shirt.
If I had to guess, this outfit is meant to evoke a kung fu master, but all I’m getting out of it is a confusing clash of early 90’s fashion choices. We’ve got a bikini top that looks like something from a David Lee Roth music video and a pair of hammer pants that just came back from Mardi Gras. If I were wearing those and fought people with kicking, I’d be worried that the speed of my movement would set me parasailing.
As weird and unlikely as those pants are, I’m mostly too fixated on the creepy fang-toothed old man face that’s sitting on her hip. That looks like my face when I’m playing a Dark Souls game, or when they get my drive-thru order wrong. If it was meant to invoke terror then it’s worse at its job than a security guard browsing Facebook on their phone. Maybe it’s a counterweight to make your character’s roundhouse kicks more awesome…nah. Nah, it’s just a fan-made mask of Aku from Samurai Jack she bought from Etsy.
Here we have another top that comes to us from the Victoria’s Secret “Meh, Close Enough” collection, a pair of over-embroidered leather pants and an arm piece that looks like several very large Crock Pots welded together to form a face. I’m thinking this costume was designed in order to give cosplayers fits. Along with the world’s most impressive wedgie.
I mean, honestly, why have that thing on her arm? Why would you want to slap on one-sixth of Samus Aran’s Power Suit? Not even raid gear in World of Warcraft is that unbalanced. Can you imagine trying to throw a punch wearing that? Nevermind that, can you imagine doing anything like normal movement in that? If hell is a real place, I bet they strap that thing to your arm then make you try to reach a delicious chocolate milkshake from the table.
I’m pretty sure I saw this costume on an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Or at least I’ve seen pro wrestler Ric Flair wear it while entering the ring. What I’m saying is that coat is about as understated as a techno rave, and just as noisy. I love bright colors, but that thing is just above and beyond. I also just can’t stand the way it’s being worn. It’s constantly sitting off of her shoulders like she’s about to let herself in to your home but isn’t really sure that she should or not.
You know, the more I look at it, the more I think I’ve figured it out…yes! Yes, the coat is a smokescreen to distract you from the hilariously short skirt that my character is wearing! Instead of putting on pants, the solution is to cover her backside with Joseph’s Technicolor Dream Coat. I’m on to your tricks, Merry Weather costume. Your Christmas wrapping paper colors aren’t going to distract me!
The discerning combatant always knows that entering a wuxia battle requires clothes that allow ease of movement for swift, decisive strikes. What we have here instead is what I can only guess is body paint and the arms taken from a Big Bird costume. Seriously, those sleeves are the stuff of child nightmares, since they’re obviously a trophy ripped from Big Bird’s carcass after fighting him on a cliff to the death.
The body of this costume is probably one of the worst things I’ve laid eyes on. I’m not sure whether to hire a team of scientists to figure out the physics or to tickle her belly and go “coochie coo!” It’s got to be one of the most confusing and improbable outfits I’ve seen slapped on a human form. And I’ve read lots of Marc Silvestri comic books.
I’ve mentioned before in this column how I’ve embraced the silliness of Blade and Soul, but some of these outfits are far beyond the line of silly and have made the quantum leap straight in to madness. The designers of this game are far more capable than this. As a matter of fact, I’m thinking I’ll revisit this idea next week and point out some of the better outfits in Blade and Soul. Unless, of course, there’s a larger item to discuss. Until then, hope to see you in the field or soaring through the air.
And watch what you wear out there.Related: Blade & Soul, Column, Top List, Tower of Mushin